Collected from Public Domain Sites like workjoke.com by Chris Frost

You Might Be a Programmer if…

  • you lust for O’Reilly books.
  • you are looking for the “else” at the end of this joke.
  • every combination of three letters is a meaningful acronym for you.
  • when you are counting objects, you go “0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D…”.
  • you can remember seventeen computer passwords but not your anniversary.
  • you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you’re doing the math in hexadecimal.
  • the language you are best speaking is English, but the language you are best writing is Java.
  • on vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
  • when your family is expecting a new baby, you are more interested in the ultra-sound equipment than the test results.
  • you find your head nodding up and down every time you read Dilbert.
  • when your 3-year old asks “Why is the sky blue?”, you start explaining it to him.
  • you need a spreadsheet to figure out who owes what for lunch.
  • you plan your family vacation on a Gantt chart.
  • your computer costs more than your car
  • your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate

 

Murphy’s Laws of Computing

  • When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
  • When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.
  • The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
  • When the going gets tough, upgrade.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
  • He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
  • A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
  • The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
  • A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

 

Software Development Cycle

  • Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
  • Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
  • Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren’t really bugs.
  • Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn’t work and discovers 15 new bugs.
  • Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
  • Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
  • Users find 137 new bugs.
  • Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
  • Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
  • Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
  • Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
  • New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
  • Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free…